I have a more public blog at http://blog.traciemcfarlin.com. But I really don't feel comfortable talking about my daily life in that blog. I am planning on using my domain as a sort of online resume/portfolio, and the last thing I need to do on that is talk about having to think about where my next meal is coming from right now or how my dad's not speaking to me. So this blog will be for stuff like that.
So...tomorrow is my 25th birthday. My dad hasn't been speaking to me since Saturday. My dad has severe depression and a lot of anger and control issues. He decided last week that he was overmedicated and quit his psych meds. When he's not on his meds, he becomes a very angry, hateful person. Nothing anyone does can satisfy him. He'll always have other thing you should have done or another way you should have done something. And he'll tell you these things by yelling and shouting and using abusive language.
I decided that I'm a grown woman and I don't need to put up with his crap the way I had to when I was a child and had nowhere else to go. Dad didn't like that. He told me to not call him, to not talk to him, because he doesn't want to talk to me, not to talk to his girlfriend or call her, and that if he needs to he'll change all their phone numbers.
Fine.
And he won't give me back my cat, either. He says Killer is his cat, which is bullshit (Killer is mine), but there's nothing I can do right now because I don't have a key to his new place.
Oh well.
I go to college in Utah and have been living there as a full-time student for a while. I've been able to maintain my Nevada residency because I've been able to use my dad's address. Right now I'm in the process of changing my residency over to Utah, because I can't bank on being able to use my dad's address with how he's acting right now. I hope he'll get back on his meds eventually, but there's no way for anyone to force him to do it, so I need to prepare for the worst-case scenario (that he won't).
I've been nominated as a candidate for Nevada's Mental Health Planning and Advisory Council. The council is made up of people who oversee Nevada's state mental health clinics and other services. If accepted, I'd be appointed by the governor of Nevada, personally, to serve on this council.
I can't do it if I'm not a Nevada resident.
I had a phone interview scheduled today with the Council people. They called and were about to conduct the interview - 5 different people were going to talk to me, and I assume it was recorded - when I felt I had to drop the bomb. I felt that it was the only honest thing to do.
"I think you guys need to know that I'm planning on moving to Utah."
I could tell they were disappointed. Back when they visited Mesquite Mental Health in May, they were so impressed with me that they did everything but force me to fill out the application. They were so impressed with the article I wrote for the local newspaper about how the mental health clinic is so important to the town and how it needs to stay open, and impressed that I spoke to the city council about it. My therapist said that my article may be what kept the clinic open when the state was planning on closing it.
I could tell they were disappointed. I am disappointed too.
They told me to let them know if my plans change, if I'll be staying a resident of Nevada. I said I would.
The chairwoman of the council told me back in May that I would be "a real asset to the state."
I tried to tell myself I didn't care about any of this but now I just want to hit something and hit it hard.
I think I may go to the Al-Anon support group tonight (Al-Anon is not for alcoholics - it's for friends and family of alcoholics/addicts). I need some people to talk to.
I don't think I realized how important this was to me until now. I want to be able to advocate for people who can't stand up for themselves. I want to be able to speak for those who cannot speak. I want to make a difference and help people who need help and can't get it on their own.
This position would have been perfect. It's not a full-time thing or even a job - it's a volunteer thing. They would pay for my travel and give me a stipend for my time when I'm away from home.
You know, I try hard, in every aspect of my life. I try hard. And a lot of the time, like right now, it feels like no matter how hard I try, it doesn't even matter.
But I'm picking myself back up again, of course. I'll be applying for more jobs today.
Still. This sucks.
